I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
