Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
