I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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