I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Rumble strips road head = magical
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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