i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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