i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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