Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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