I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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