I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
