Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
