I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
