I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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