his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
