Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
