Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
