you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
