My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
