You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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