you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
