She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
