She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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