WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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