can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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