i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
