yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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