If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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