What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
