Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
