Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
