so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
