Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
