i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
