i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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