So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could make wine with my vomit
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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