Got a toothbrush?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
