i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
