i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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