i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
