Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
