hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
