They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
