the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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