Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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