She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
