The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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