The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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