how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
