Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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