I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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