I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
