i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
